And then I felt scared.
I imagined the change in season that will eventually come- and will signify that I am getting further and further away from holding Dan on earth. The brisk air and turning leaves will remind me that time keeps moving with no pause for grief or loss. It will remind me that I must continue and go on without him through the seasons, through every holiday, and every day. I imagine autumn, his favorite season, will be particularly hard. He always wanted to get married in September. I will feel and smell those turning leaves and think of the song lyric I found recently while going through one of his journals: "Who thought death would look like autumn?"