Of course there have been many ups and downs on the journey, and at a time like this- "Christianese" quotations or even verses are just no comfort at all.
Dan and I both had been struggling with our faith the past few years. I truly believe we were going to a deeper place though- a place where we were comfortable enough in our relationship with God to ask the hard questions- just as we were comfortable enough with each other to push the boundaries at times when we fought and struggled.
With this belief- there is a lot of hope. I know I would not have this same hope if I wasn't a believer, or a follower of "The Way," as it was said of Christ's earliest followers. I would hate to just starting grabbing onto some angel in the clouds kind of philosophy just because I am grieving and want to or need to believe suddenly in an afterlife. That would be a false comfort based on neediness rather than the truth. So I feel very lucky to already have this firm foundation- and that it is one that Daniel and I shared.
Still- at a time like this- I need a lot of reassurance. I don't "feel" God just as I don't feel much of anything- I'm numb. There have been a few signs and symbols here and there, but for the most part I'm leaning on the faith of the witnesses around me. So in the early days, I asked our old pastor, Mike and many others- "Do you believe Dan is right now in the presence of God?" They answered me with great certainty and no hesitation.
I also asked this question of an old boss of mine who is a believer, and one that seems particularly steady to me- intellectually based rather than emotional- her answer brought me much comfort: