Susan picked Audrey and I up at our apartment and we went to her home where I hoped to get a few things accomplished.
Dan and I had gone to a Bible study a few times at Paul and Susan's home this past winter or spring, so as soon as I entered their home, I became overwhelmed. I could still see where he sat in their living room at each meeting. There would be quite a few people, and everyone would pull up a dining chair or sit on the L shaped couch, but Dan- before all of those comfortable seats were taken- would sit on the floor in a little spot in front of the fireplace and a bookshelf- all scrunched up. It bothered me so much because I felt like he should be stronger and take a normal seat. But he sat there each week- in that same spot...looking like someone uncomfortable trying to look comfortable. It was from that spot that he introduced himself when we went around doing so the first night. "I'm Dan- Julia's my wife. We have a daughter- Audrey- she's awesome." And everyone laughed.
So I sat there- when I first came in- in that same spot- trying to see what he must have seen. I cried for the first time in a couple of days because at home, I rarely do. I mostly stare and sit in bed.
Back to my goals: first- there were two voice mails on my phone from Dan- one as he was about to get on the plane for the tour- that were about to expire. "Just wanted to see...how you're doing. I love you. Bye"
They are incredibly painful to listen to, but I wanted to keep them, so Paul and I went down to the professional recording studio he has in his basement, which Dan had played at many times, and we played the messages on speaker into a microphone. I looked for a place to sit down and cried hearing them so loud and clear, almost as if Dan was there.
From the very beginning, I have loved the sound of his voice. He hated his own voice, but for me, there was nothing sweeter. He said the same thing about my voice.
Dan had played a session at Paul's studio sometime before he left, and Paul hadn't been able to clean up the spot where Dan sat- the microphone was cello level- and Dan's notes and chords in his handwriting were still on the music stand. I went in and touched them.
While we ate dinner and a very hyper Audrey danced around the living room, Paul was copying all of the photos and videos I have on my laptop onto a hard drive he gave me. My computer is older and sometimes gives me ominous messages in other languages telling me to restart my computer so it's something I'd been meaning to do for some time. But quickly has become urgent and vital.
Everything on my to-do list these days is more about preservation than progress. Less about getting and more about keeping.