I realize, that since July 6th, I have done a lot.
I have learned of my husband's sudden death and am still breathing.
I've planned a wake and funeral, picking out photos for a slideshow and writing a final goodbye to my love. In the process, sifted through eleven years of photo albums, journals, cards, and gifts.
Visited three cemeteries and chosen one- even bought my own grave while I was at it.
Hacked into Dan's email account so I could alert more of his contacts of his death.
I've attended said wake, funeral, and burial.
I've opened hundreds of sympathy cards that now sit in a basket next to my bed.
I've visited the social security office at 7 am, waited in line until 9 and filled out an application for benefits for Audrey and I.
I've started a blog for the first time and written 68 entries in 9 days.
I've received luggage from Switzerland and washed all of Dan's clothes that were in it. They are folded and back in his dresser drawers.
I've received his wallet and wedding ring, and decided to string the latter around my neck.
I've recorded Dan's last two saved voice mails in a recording studio as well as backed up any photos of our family that were on my computer with the help of a friend.
I've spoken to a few financial advisors about our current situation.
I've made five new friends through other friends- all young widows and one widower...and corresponded via email, chat, and phone with them all numerous times.
I've dusted and vacuumed my house. Also cleaned out and organized our closet with the help of a friend.
I've done at least 5 loads of laundry.
I've bathed Audrey many, many times...and fed her, and read her stories, and said her prayers and tucked her in every night.
I've changed my current phone plan and transferred my number to Dan's phone.
I've gotten in touch with my old therapist and had one session.
I can not overstate the physical exhaustion that comes with grieving. You sit and you stare all day- but it's a full-time job. By the end of the day you are mentally, emotionally and physically drained. I am quite content with my "done" list, and at the suggestion of the other widows- I am going to be kind to myself as much as I can...for this is certainly the hardest work I've ever done in my life.