I miss you tonight. I think my brain is starting to process it- that you have actually died. And to also process what death is, because though I have heard of it for some time and been to quite a few funerals, this is my first time walking through the valley of the shadow of death.
I miss you honey. I see you everywhere- and you are my every thought and breath.
I can't believe that you came home to me from this tour in a coffin. I remember thinking when it was so hard having you gone that I felt like a military wife, but at least I didn't have to worry that you were in active combat or any obvious danger.
I think about you, your final moments- did you struggle? Were you afraid? I know you fought hard. I know you thought of us- of Audrey especially. I am so sorry. I am so sorry you couldn't make it and stay with us. We are incomplete without you- just completely incomplete.
And I am so sad for Audrey- do you see her? She has changed so much in one month since you've seen her-her language is exploding- you would be so very proud. You would be smiling all the time at every new word. She was saying, "I love appa!" a lot today and dancing around. She misses you and she will miss you for many years and probably all of her life.
Tonight I am at a loss- even my words can not keep the grief at bay. i cannot use them to sculpt something positive or beautiful right now. I hear the bus brakes outside the window and know I will never see you get off of it again- never see you walking towards our home...never wait to hear the lock turning...never see you come in and smile at me...hello.
It is a completely different world I live in now- a world without you.