Saturday, August 7, 2010

How Can I Honor You?

99% of me wants to curl up in bed and die. My grief counselor tells me that's not reflective of suicidal thoughts- just normal grief and a natural desire to be reunited with you.

But there's 1% that knows, at least on a purely intellectual level, that I am still alive- and don't get a say in the manner. And...if I listen for your voice and what you'd be telling me to do- there I find the ways to honor you with my life.

To continue to be a good mother to Audrey and make sure she grows up with joy and faith in beautiful things.

To take care of myself- even if now it just means getting up, putting food in my mouth, and going to sleep. Because you love me and would hate to see me disintegrate.

To inherit your drive- to find and do what I myself am good at and am called to do.

For now- I'll just try to stop crying, go to sleep and get some rest. It's a start.

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