Saturday, August 21, 2010

More on Dreams

From the start of all this, I felt I was in a nightmare.  I just kept thinking I'd wake up next to Dan and feel that relief that comes after a bad dream is vanquished by daylight.

But these days, I realize what I really feel, is not just that I'm awake in a nightmare that is just going on and on and on, but I feel that I am actually in Dan's nightmare more than my own.  I think it's because I'm getting accustomed to saying things like, "Before Dan died..." or "My husband died," or "We don't get to see Appa anymore, but we can still talk to him."  But then I think about how you just would not believe what is going on here.  Since you died.  How I planned your funeral, and saw your body devoid of all life. How I buried you the day before our wedding anniversary, how I wake up with an upset stomach every single morning, and start another day without you.  

So really what I feel I'm in now is your nightmare, and I feel that you're hearing me say these things and watching us living as though you're dead and you're shocked and dismayed.  You are earthly Dan of course, not the Dan who, if alive in the new reality I have believed in most of my life, would know all now and somehow be able to reconcile all because of what you know.  

I am tired of being in your nightmare, my nightmare- it doesn't matter who owns it I guess.  Just tired of feeling the horror.  I know the sadness and loss will stay with me my whole life, but I hope the horror one day goes away.

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