Tuesday, August 3, 2010

My Life is A Memory

The pain is indescribable right now- today evening has been much rougher than morning.

Audrey and I went to visit a couple with 2 children a friend introduced us to- since it was our first time meeting- there were a lot of questions about me and our life, but I just couldn't handle making small talk tonight. Usually, Dan would be there or at least I'd talk about him- what my husband does, how long we've lived here- now everything I said just made me incredibly sad- and I wasn't part of a couple like them- but a widow- a single mom. It was hard seeing a complete family unit and Audrey looked confused seeing the little boy call his dad appa.

Since Audrey is my first toddler, I'm not sure if what I just went through is the norm or related to her grief, but we got home and as we were getting ready for bed, she became hysterical- possibly overtired, possibly also relate to grief and the fact that I was feeling terrible.

She just wouldn't be consoled and became obsessed with two pairs of socks but screaming and not allowing me to put on either. I finally left the room to let her scream it out because i couldn't handle it and then sitting in the dark kitchen, listening to her scream- I felt like cursing at Dan. How could he leave me like this? My whole world is dark- like the lights just went off - as cliche as that sounds.

I thought about the pain that was overtaking me and Dan's dead body. I thought about how in an instant- my present life became a memory. Everything that I was living has instantly become, "We used to say," or "Dan was," or "Right before he died." But that was my present life- all of those things- and now they're just memories leaving me lost.

I feel physically sick and drowning in the grief tonight.

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