I have read on some grieving site or pamphlet that the lost loved one only dies one time- one death, but you, the survivor, relive their death and imagine their final moments over and over again.
I have also read that near drowning survivors report the last few moments before losing consciousness as incredibly peaceful. I want to believe this is true.
I sometimes wonder what I was doing here at home in NJ while your spirit was departing, but mostly I can't even think of those things. It is too painful.
I do know that the night before I got the phone call- I was missing you a lot more than usual. I sent you an email that just said, "Missing you tonight. Love you. Jul"
A couple of days after I got the phone call and I managed to get into your email, I cried with joy to see that you had opened and read my final words to you.