Sunday, August 29, 2010

Shuffling

Tonight I am a fully saturated cloud- waiting to have my "time" when Audrey went to sleep for the better part of the afternoon.  It's getting harder to function now in a different way than before.  The functioning and even the playing with Audrey is seeped with grief.  I feel emotionally removed from her while I play with play dough or even read a story- because I'm flooded with so much pain and so many thoughts of her father.

I keep having the urge to ask people, "Is Dan really dead?"

Tonight I watched my shadow on the living room wall kiss his photo.  I looked through the funeral program again- I look at the cover mostly- "Daniel Cho- A Celebration of Life"- and try to recall that I planned this program because Dan actually died and we had a funeral for him.

Whenever I type in a title for these blog posts as I just did, if I just put one letter- a bunch of choices come from the blog Dan had started for Audrey.  So I type in "S" and see "Somebody's a pretty girl!"  It is even there- as I write- like I am treading in his mist.

The memories don't let up.  I imagine a deck of cards and someone who knows how to shuffle really well is doing that move where they drop all of the cards on top of one another- it feels like that.

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