Sunday, August 1, 2010

Signs

prognosticate \prog-NOS-ti-keyt\, verb:

1. To forecast or predict (something future) from present indications or signs; prophesy.
2. To provide an indication of future events through actions or signs.


I've subscribed to the dictionary word of the day for years now. I think it started when I was sitting in cubes at 9-5 jobs and feeling like I wasn't learning anything anymore. I love words, so I usually check out the word, and if I'm lucky- remember to use it after that.

I sat down to write this post about some signs I believe I had- haven't figured out why or from whom or anything yet- that this was all going to happen. But then I saw a new email in my inbox-found it was my dictionary word of the day- and then- found the definition above: prognosticate. Seems too much for mere coincidence.

So, yeah, I had a few signs that Dan might die. I'm not sure whether it was the grace of God preparing me without me really knowing or something else.

  • A few weeks before Dan died, I had a dream that I died. It was such a scary dream, that I didn't feel safe in my usual spot after I woke from it in the middle of the night. I sleep closer to our door. So, I got up and pushed him over trying to explain to him- 1/2 asleep- that I wanted to sleep behind him. So, he shifted over not really knowing what I was after until I told him in the morning. When I told him why I'd needed to switch spots, and about my dream, he shared that he also had a dream he died that same night.
  • Dan was gone probably a little less than 1/2 of this past year touring. And every time he left, I became a little more independent. I still missed him terribly, and...I was definitely still counting down the days until he'd be back, but I got a little tougher, a little less needy, and learned how to stay busy and care for Audrey alone. In fact, I even thought to myself on more than one occasion:

"I wonder if I'm being prepared to be a single mom? I wonder if Dan is going to die?"

  • Dan and I were about to try for a second child. And even though I'd been wanting to try for some time, I suddenly found myself putting it on hold "til you get back." and then these words came out of my mouth and shocked us both I think:
"I don't want to be a pregnant widow."
This just isn't something one normally says, and I can still see Dan standing in front of our dresser next to our bed looking at me like I was crazy to say such a morbid thing.

So, all of these signs have come back to me with perfect clarity in the past few weeks- I don't believe I'm making them up now so that I feel more in control of the chaos- they really happened- and I'm just trying to make sense of them. I am still not able to process the fact that Dan is dead. I am still in shock. But not surprised- is that weird? There is certainly an invisible world right under our noses- it would be utter foolishness to stop at our five senses and the matter around us.


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