Monday, August 23, 2010

Sleep, Death's Cousin

"Shake off this downy sleep, death’s counterfeit, and look on death itself."  Shakespeare


Well, I was never able to find what I thought I'd written in some journal somewhere, but maybe it's just something I said to Dan.

He was such a great sleeper- just so adaptable in general- probably because of all of the adapting he had to do growing up- being born in the States, moving to Korea, moving back to the States at 13 again by himself to live with a friend of the family.

I am quite the opposite.  Unless I'm really tired, it'll take me a while to fall asleep.  So on airplane trips, he'd be sleeping away most of the time, and I'd be bored, watching movies or reading by myself- wishing he'd wake up so we could talk or do something together.

It was the same way at night.  I loved that special time when we turned out the lights but would lay in bed talking about small things for a little while.  But quite often, he'd fall asleep pretty quickly.  Sometimes I'd give him a nudge or pretend I thought he was still awake.  That actually made him pretty angry.

But I remember thinking about why it bothered me so much when he fell asleep first.  Even though we were sleeping in the same bed, he was quickly in another state.  I thought maybe because sleep is so symbolic and closely related to death- it scared me to be left awake in the dark room, so fully aware, and so totally alone.  Just for once, I wanted to be the one to fall asleep first.

And now here I am.  Alone, left in the dark...wishing, wishing, wishing, I could just tap your shoulder and wake you- no matter how angry you'd get.  I'd do it
if I could.

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