Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Your Worst Fear Happens

Other than something happening to Audrey- I can easily say that anything happening to Dan has been my worst fear for the past ten years or so- death, being my greatest fear.

So I think to myself sometimes as I walk around in tears, "My worst fear has happened. Dan is actually dead. What does this mean for me now?"

Another young widower I spoke to said that once his wife and two children died, he felt a strange security- because the worst had happened- he didn't feel worried or scared anymore. I had been telling him about how I was now feeling really fearful at night. I'm not sure why still- it's mostly that I'm feeling kind of watched still and waiting for Dan to jump out at me from behind the corner or from the closet near his clothes- and say "Surprise!"

I definitely don't worry about the little things anymore. I'm not worried about germs like I usually am (Dan made fun of me how I pulled down my shirt sleeve to open the door at Audrey's Dr.'s office), and I'm freely letting others take Audrey and drive her to their home for playgroup without her being under my watchful eye - which I never did before this happened.

I've no agenda or organization for this post, just grappling so much with how this changes things- my worst fear happens. It means anything can happen. It means, yes, the absolute worst- and actually worse than you ever even thought - can happen.

Is it possible that the other side is true as well? That there could be some balance to correct a lopsided world. And I don't just mean that something great could happen- or somehow redeem or be worth Dan's life. But is it possible that after death- which is always the worst - the absolute best thing could happen? That would be very clever.

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