Friday, September 3, 2010

Alive

Dear Dan,
In the early days, I clung immediately to the hope that you were still alive.  I said it in my tribute at the funeral- "I will see you again, my love." were my last words.  And I meant it.  Sincerely.

But it's been tough, as you know.  It's been complicated.  I have started to wonder now if denial was posing as the Christian hope of an afterlife.  Because I could say that you were still alive and well.  I could cling to it and look forward to a reunion with you.

But then it became harder.  Then I realized how permanent our separation.  The only life span, the only world I know...its entirety.  Then I realized, that no-  you are not alive and well- you are dead.

I must now deny denial this right to masquerade as hope or else I will not find the true hope.  The verse I chose for your funeral was about grieving with hope- not without hope.  But I'm having a hard time doing those together.  For now, I think I need to take them just one at a time.

So now- I grieve.

Are you alive in some sense?  In some way my mind cannot comprehend?  I hope so.

Sarang hae Hae-wan.

Your wife,
Julia

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