Tuesday, September 14, 2010

A Gift

Today has been a wonderful day because of a precious gift I found.  It surprises me how uplifted I feel.

One thing I had mourned was that I didn't have any recordings of Dan speaking in Korean- why would I?  But I loved the sound of his voice and how he would kind of awkwardly and slowly speak it because he didn't speak it that much anymore.  Apparently because he was from Dae gu, he had what is comparable to a country/southern accent.  Waitresses in Korean restaurants would sometimes smile when he started to speak.  I wish I could hear what that sounds like- just like I've always wished I could hear what the English language sounds like to a foreigner...but maybe in heaven that can be worked out for me somehow.

Anyway, I usually heard Dan speaking Korean on the phone- to his family most often.

And today on the voice notes section of his iPhone I discovered an entire phone conversation in Korean...he was interviewing a famous Korean soccer player for an ESPN article he wanted to write and recorded the whole conversation on his phone so he could go back and translate later.

So I get to hear the phone buzz, and hear him say hello in English to the manager, and then begin the conversation with the player.  What a joy.  Unlike my own memories with Dan that cause me a lot of pain- this actually gives me something I so badly wanted.  It captures something that I was so afraid I would never, ever hear again.  I will record it and play it for Audrey one day.

The counselor told me last week while we were talking about how sad it was that I didn't even know exactly what caused Dan to die- that if that question continues to bother me- God will provide an answer.  She speaks with such calm authority, and has lost a young daughter- so I always find myself believing her.  She told me one of two things will happen- either it won't be as important to me anymore, or God will provide the answers I need.  It feels like that with the recording of his voice in Korean I now have.  I know it is still something of sorrow- the words of my husband who has died- and something coincidental- a recording he made for a project while he was alive.  But it feels
like a
glorious
provision.

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