Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Physicality

In the kitchen- putting away leftovers from Audrey's lunch before- thinking about how everything I touch in there marks our union- it's all stuff from our wedding registry.  The plates, the utensils, the mugs and glasses.

I put away the macaroni and cheese and broccoli in a pyrex that I used to pack your lunches in when you worked in the city at your day job.  I hated packing lunches, but at least tried to do it most of the time.  Sometimes I even included a cute note.  The first year of our marriage I made you Korean soup for your birthday to take to work and rice crispie treats- one of your favorites- to share with the office.  I spelled out "Happy Birthday Dan" with them.

You'd tell me everyone at work said what I made looked really good and that I was a good cook all the time.  I really am not, but thank you.

I was so sad this afternoon that I never have to make you another lunch again.

Audrey is napping now.


Thinking for a few minutes now of your left cheekbone- the light colored freckles there.  We fall in love in bodies.  No Manichean or Gnostic beliefs will do.  

I think of your uneven sideburns you trimmed yourself and think how can this really be?  How can you really be dead when you had sideburns and freckles and a face?  

2 comments:

  1. Hi Julia- thanks for commenting on my blog. :) (Btw how funny, my name is Julia too!)

    It was encouraging reading through your honest thoughts, emotions, and even your questions. I know that what I'm going through doesn't compare at all to what you're going through but I found myself profoundly relating to you, in some ways. My boyfriend was diagnosed with cancer twice and so the idea of the death of a significant other is something that I've had to think about in a very real way. (My own father died when I was 12 so I've had to deal with the death of someone close before..)

    You are blessed to be going through this journey with the family and community that surrounds you... May God be real to Audrey as her Dad and Jesus be real to you as your Friend and Lover. Keep on writin... :)

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  2. By the way... A book that I personally found to be of some comfort was Stephen Curtis Chapman's wife's book. She writes about her journey involving her daughter's tragic death. It's called "Choosing to See" by Marcy Beth Chapman, if you'd like to check it out. :)

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