Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Smile

Dear Dan,
I miss you.  I keep thinking you've missed a lot, but it's not too late.  You can still catch up and Audrey's just on the verge of doing a ton of cute stuff- her birthday is coming up.  It's not too late to be there.  We're going to have purple balloons and yellow lollipops at her request- and blueberry cake- if I can figure out where to find one of those.  I'm still working out the details, but hopefully will be a fun day.  Won't you come?

It doesn't seem fair that no one else's life has changed this drastically but mine and Audrey's.  I'm just moving through each day- waking up to what's now a quiet and ever-present horror- and trying to make it til naptime- and then til bedtime.  Then I am alone with my thoughts- trying to work this out.  Do you see me?  Do you see Audrey and me?  "You should be here," I keep thinking- constantly.

And you should- it's so cliche- but you truly were so full of life.  Yes, you always had a smile- but more than that- you were full of passion and drive.  Some of that pulled our marriage apart- and some of it kept it together.  That's how it worked and I wouldn't have it any other way.

You weren't ill or in a larger accident.  This was just you- going for a swim- in a foreign country.  You were out of your element.  And that is all I know.  I don't know any more.  I can only guess.

The way this grieve pervades my being- like stroke after stroke of thick, dark paint, covering white canvas.  Can anything compare?  Falling in love with you was equally pervasive but lighter- like floating in watercolors.  

I can not believe how permanent and irrevocable one single act can be.  This level of permanence does not seem fair for one act, one bad judgement, one leg cramp, or spot of cold water- or whatever it was.  And now our life together is over.  You get buried under the ground and that's it?

I don't recognize this at all- this life I'm living.  It's not mine.  I am just enduring- waiting for this to end- waiting for the life I'd known for 34 years to return, but it does not.  The setting looks similar, the cast and the daily plots- but you are still dead.  I keep waiting...

I am trying to remember the way Audrey smiled when she saw you...but having a hard time.  Remember how she would run to you when you walked in the door?  That made you so happy.  Do you remember the look on her face as she said your name...it was a smile in her eyes.

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