Staying home with Audrey was a choice I had made. I felt that no one could care for you or cherish you better than I could, and I loved teaching you things and I loved knowing it was the first time you were doing something instead of wondering if you'd already done it ten times at daycare.
But- for any woman in the modern world- who has gone through years of education and serious heart probing trying to figure out what she wants to do in life- and then finds herself changing diapers, having snack time and singing "The Wheels on the Bus"- it is a sacrifice. It was hard for me to be 100% there because I started to feel that I was supposed to be doing something more. I should be doing something creative like Dan who is going after his dreams- I thought. Mothering is pretty creative from the start obviously- creation of a new life- but still I had that nagging. But at some point, I decided that Audrey was going to grow up very quickly and this was not forever. If I spent her childhood feeling I should be doing something else, I would miss them both. So- it was best to put that aside for now and be 100% in this season of mothering. There would be time for other things later.
Now I need that frame of thought more than ever. I hope I can leave the grief for later and give her my 100% for just a morning or an afternoon. Because she is still growing very quickly. Dan- you'd be simply amazed to hear her speak. I don't want to miss this. There will be time for grieving- maybe while she naps or in the evening after she's stopped mumbling and peacefully sleeps in her darkened room. Then, there will be time for that.