Where Are You?

My heart broke a few times tonight.  The other week when we went to IKEA with my parents, Audrey played a little game if I was walking ahead of them or my dad was saying in the cutest little voice, "Where are you Momma?"  or "Where are yoo Grampa?"

Tonight at dinner out of nowhere, she started saying, "Where are yoo Appa?"

Then after dinner, I gave her a few puzzles you'd gotten her in Korea this past spring.  They were a bit too advanced when you left even, but now she's good at them so I told her you'd gotten them on the last trip. "Thank you Appa," she said.  "I love you Appa."

I am so sorry Audrey...I'm sorry because I may have been wrong in thinking that you were grieving since this happened.  You knew something was wrong- and you sensed my own sorrow, but yours will be a slow grief- drawn out over your childhood and even adult years as you realize what has happened.  It's already happening when you see another child with his or her father or when we read books about a family.  I don't know whether to skip those books and avoid hanging out with families or not.  It's hard to know what to do but I think it best to continue normally...and just acknowledge our loss if and when it comes up.

Still, I am so sorry for you.  My heart grieves for your loss...one I have never known- the loss of your father- and you had an amazing one.