Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Your Eyes

Things are changing now.  Evolving.

The pragmatic thoughts I had weeks ago, "Dan is dead- we must go on," have left me entirely.  I can not find them if I try.

My inability to cry is gone.  I cry.

I search less for some mystery to be found, and believe more I must endure a great loss.

I don't know if I can encourage those other widows online like I used to.  The ones who sounded so hopeless and sappy to me a few weeks ago.  I'm not sure my words can sound as life-affirming right now.

And in the early days, I really hated it when people told me I was lucky to have Audrey- because she was a piece of him.  It bothered me because Audrey is Audrey- her own person- not Dan, and I would never place that pressure on her to fill his missing role in my life.  She is just a toddler who needs my constant care.  But tonight, while I was reading her bedtime stories, I couldn't take my eyes off of her profile.  I saw your long eyelashes and I saw your eyes.  It was as if for the very time, I realized that she is made of you and me- our DNA intertwined, and for the first time, I thought- yes, you have left me something- she is beautiful- thank you.

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