Saturday, October 2, 2010

Apologies and Regrets

Dear Dan,

I'm sorry that we didn't get to say goodbye.

I'm sorry that I would never step on your back when you asked and begged.  "Hey, can I ask you a favor..."

"No.  I will not step on your back!  I'm too heavy.  I feel like I'm going to kill you."

But remember for your 31st birthday I got you a walk on the back at a Japanese spa?  I waited for you in the waiting area/lobby and when you came out you looked kind of miserable.  It was supposed to be a petite Japanese woman walking on your back, but you told me you got a very large, solid Japanese woman and that it was the most painful thing of your life.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that we didn't go find a place to sit down and eat our baked goods from Balthazaar Bakery the day you left.  June 29th.  There were no seats there and we debated about going to Starbucks so we could sit together as a family rather than drive right back home, but then we didn't.  I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I noticed after you left for the airport you'd left the extra baked good you picked out- I can't remember what it was- at home- instead of taking it with you to eat at the airport.  I'm sorry.

I'm sorry we got in a fight the day before you left and didn't really resolve it enough.  "Let's talk about it when you get back," I had said.

I'm sorry I didn't let us get a big-screened TV or even a TV at all because I thought it would help us focus on our crafts- music and writing- and not waste time.  But I know it was one of your lifelong dreams to have a large TV.  And I know it was so hard to watch the sports that you loved.  Remember when you were just watching dots slowly move online on your computer instead of a real game and still you were getting excited.  But then you'd look at me and we'd both laugh.  I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I didn't get to hear you play your instruments or your music more.  You rarely practiced at home in the six years we were married or five years we dated.  I'd try to tell you to practice more or to take out your cello and play it for Audrey.  But you were so busy.

I'm sorry that I can't remember the last time you and I played a song together.  I think it was before Audrey was born in our old apartment in Bay Ridge.  I'm sorry we never did that anymore just for fun- like we did that first day we met.

I'm sorry I didn't go alone with Audrey to Korea when you were there in the spring after the Japan tour.  Your dad could've met Audrey for the first time with you there.  You would've loved to have introduced them.  Instead he met her for the first time at your funeral.  I'm sorry I wasn't up for taking that long flight alone with Audrey.  It would've been nice for all of us to have been together.

I'm sorry the cab company I had a coupon for came 25 minutes late the day that you left.  You sounded pretty upset about it later when we talked.  But you made it to the airport for the tour on time I guess.  You flew away to Europe.

I'm so sorry that I missed a lot of your calls and didn't get to call you at all at your hotels that first week you were away.  It was hard with the time difference and Audrey's sleep schedule and your concert schedule.  Really, I was just trying so hard to keep myself busy and keep Audrey entertained so that the days you were away would go faster.  The day you died I was going to make a little calendar with stickers so that Audrey and I could mark off the days until you would return.  It was going faster than usual I remember thinking- you'd be home in a little over two weeks- I can do this.   I was always counting those days in my head every day and every night.

1 comment:

  1. When my husband asks me to step on his back, I will do it without the usual protests.

    Thank you for the reminder.

    ReplyDelete