Not what, but where is faith? It is not feeling. It is not intellect.
It is a way of perceiving like sight- which is why we hear the words, "Walk by faith, not by sight." It is a sense beyond the five we know. Perhaps there will one day be many more.
I sit and hold your iPhone close to my ear- playing some of the voice notes you recorded- your interview with the Korean soccer player, some melodies that you sing for 12 or 52 seconds.
It's only been three months- your voice is familiar but I can feel you already slipping away. When I imagine you coming inside the bedroom door or sitting at your desk, I can't quite get the size of you right anymore in my mind- how tall you are- where your head would be from the top of the chair. It saddens me. This must be just the very beginning.
I feel as though there is an imaginary line on the rug in my bedroom beside me now. It reminds me of the African American tradition of jumping over the broom. If I jump over into faith, possibly God will be there to greet me and take me on the rest of my journey. If I step over and it is true, then even if I fear that journey taking me further from Dan- if Dan is in the presence of God and I am as well- then it is really only taking me closer...but if I stay on this side of the line- then I stay in this dark grief with little hope. If I am correct, my prize is dwelling in grief. If I am wrong, I have lost the love of my life all over again. I have believed for many years, but there is something now at stake greater than my own salvation...there is love. If I step over, I must not expect to find feeling or logic- so what will I find that I don't already have? I am curious.