Friday, October 1, 2010

Running to the Rainbow

The pain is so heavy- I want to put it down or take it out.  Where can I put it down?  Even the writing isn't helping anymore.

I've been crying a lot more intermittently throughout the day.  I must be in the anger stage because I feel pretty damn angry a lot of the time.  But I don't really have a place to put the anger down either- a place to put it.  I must be angry at Dan a God...a few others, but I don't really feel specific about it.  I just feel pissed.

I demand from God or Dan some kind of sign- to throw me just something to hold onto.

I've been waiting for a rainbow because on Dan's birthday many years ago we saw a full arch across Manhattan from the other side of the river.  He had been feeling really down, and I told him it was his rainbow from God- a promise.  He seemed to really cheer right up.

So tonight while Audrey was eating dinner, I checked FB and saw another friend post about a rainbow.  I went to my living room window because she lives nearby hoping I might see it and then when I didn't, I cursed.  Why should she see a rainbow?  What about me?

I sat down to eat again when I got a text on my phone from a new said, "if you go outside really quickly..." and i knew with those words it was about the rainbow.  I was already picking up Audrey out of her high chair.  The second half of her text came after: "there's a rainbow over the river."

Audrey was in the middle of eating, but I scooped her up, put on my shoes, grabbed hers, and ran to the elevator, ran out the lobby of our building, down the path to the river.  I literally ran.  I didn't want to get there and find nothing.  And I didn't.  There was the rainbow.   We could see both sides, but not the middle part up in the sky.  I cried.

I am angry.  I am confused, but this is me- running towards hope- dropping everything to believe.


  1. It is always, always a good thing to run towards hope. The world is filled with pain, as you noted in another post. Anguish. Despair. Yet we see the rainbow, and we run. The rainbow stayed in place for you and Audrey. It means nothing, or everything.

  2. I have wept after reading so many of your posts and this one just wrenched my heart. Julia, we love you and so earnestly hope somehow God will give you hope.

  3. Although I have absolutely nothing to offer in the way of advice or consolation, I can say that I find your writing very powerful, and I hope that keeping it up is helping you somehow.