Was cleaning up a little bit more today. Finally, couldn't stand the thick dust in my bedroom anymore. I was starting to feel like Ms. Havisham from Great Expectations sealed up in her decaying house after being jilted by her lover- all of the clocks stopped. For some reason, I've been having trouble cleaning our bedroom though I've kept the rest of the apartment very clean and organized. Perhaps it's been comforting to sit in a mess with half of the bed- your half- covered in stuff every night- and just enough room for me to climb into mine. Many times our surroundings represent the internal for us, but after a while, they start to not just reflect but inject what's going on inside. I had reached that point where the disorganization was creating more stress and distress as I've been trying to find things.
But I'm getting there. The bed is cleared off for the most part. There is a neat basket of paperwork and folders I need to attend to, and the other basket overflowing with sympathy cards I honestly do intend to start looking through again and sending out hundreds of thank you notes. It's time for that soon.
While doing this cleaning this morning, I took some books out of my dust-covered night stand and from one fell the anniversary card you gave me last year. I must have tucked it there sometime afterwards.
It's a store bought card this time- not the norm for you- but still simple. The front says "you + me" and the inside "forever." You added an equal sign before the word "forever."
should be such a simple formula. But I know it's been so hard. All the circumstances didn't help either.
I would like you to know that I love you more than ever. While I was away, you two were the only things on my mind. Every time I saw a happy couple or a baby, I felt so sad and wanted to hold you tight.
I hope our love will grow stronger and healthier as we go. I feel so lucky and blessed and I want to make you two the happiest women in the whole wide world. I'm sorry it's been so far from that.
So...back to the formula.
You + me = ...
It may not be such a simple answer, but through hardships, hurdles, fights, sleepless nights, and lots of drama and tears, I say it equals forever and miracles (Audrey) and love and adventures, lessons I would have never learned by myself or from anyone else. Happy Anniversary. I love you.