Audrey and I both have bad colds. Finally, my inward grief manifests itself physically for the first time since the early days. It's a miracle I hadn't gotten sick yet- having lost at least ten pounds in those first ten days due to the fact that I couldn't eat.
This morning we got out the window markers and while Audrey drew, I wrote on our front window, "We miss you every second Yubo/Appa. Love, J and A.
Without God, Dan's death would be just a natural occurrence of evolution- survival of the fittest...and yet, I know that his death was evil and completely wrong. Apart from the physiological and psychological attachments I had to him, someplace else- in the core of who I am - I believe this was not "supposed" to happen.
And another question I keep returning to: Am I just a body? Am I just blood and bones and neurons? I give a lot of thought to this lately, hoping these neurons of mine can come up with an honest and objective answer- even given my situation in which of course, I'd love to believe the answer is no. I don't feel like just my body. I am familiar with it- it's like a house that I've lived in for a long time. I control it and take care of it. But mostly it holds me back...the real me. It will age and eventually shut down and decay. And yet, it seems like the more I live, the more the true me- call it a soul if you want- grows and expands and enriches. And strangely, I feel as though I'm meant to fly but I just can't. I know this sounds nuts, but I've given this a lot of thought and decided it is true. I'm (the true me) meant to fly.
I do believe...begrudgingly and humbly- that we are more. I saw a body- blood and bones- and he was not there. His body has returned to the dirt from which it was formed. His life- which came from the breath of God- has also returned to its source- God himself. This is what I hope for. This is my only hope.
The other day I was looking back through some journals from only a few years ago even, and struck by how childish and silly some of my "profound" thoughts seemed. I'm sure I may even think the same when I read these posts years from now. But instead of feeling embarrassed by those thoughts I had put down, I felt relief now. Wow- I know so little. At every stage I'm at, I believe I know a lot- but looking back from just a little bit up the road, I see how little I knew in every way. What if- making the leap from this world to another is like that? How everything I've pondered and wrestled with here will seem so childish and so cute even?
Today I feel sick- my head hurts, my nose is running, and my eyes burn. I feel the sorrow but I have set it aside just now for a few minutes to feel the full weight of something else- something that humbles me and yet brings me so much comfort as of late- - -