Friday, January 14, 2011

Back Door

I told my counselor on Monday that I am feeling such a void now...and started crying as I said this.  That all of the things you brought to our life- your knowledge of pop culture, films, sports...are gone.  I find myself wanting to learn about the things you loved.  I found myself this past week researching the Asian Football Cup that's going on right now and feeling that I must learn everything about the Korean soccer team you so rooted for.  "Why now?" I asked my therapist..."Why couldn't I have taken this kind of an interest when he was alive?  He would've loved it..."

"Because you had him here...and he was bringing that into your life.  Now that he's gone, you may need to do it."

"Yes," I say, "I think soccer will have to be a part of our life- he wanted to teach Audrey about it."

I think this is why I also feel it's necessary to keep in close contact with your close guy friends.  They're my link to you...with them you shared those areas that are now missing from my life including sports and movies that I wouldn't watch.  I hope they don't find it odd that I need to have this communication with them.

So I read about the soccer (football) matches going on right now...I read all of the background articles about the players and the coaches.  It feels like some kind of back way, or secret entrance through which I might be able to still reach you.

But then what I find is just your absence.  I read there is a new coach- and know you would've had a lot to say about this, but I have no idea what and I cannot ask you.  I want to ask you to explain a few of the other rules or terms that I'm reading about, but I can't.  I want to hear you say, "You're so funny," or "You're so cute," when I try to understand the rules, but I will never hear your voice again.

Because it's too late...there is no more back and forth.  And even though there is no back door to where you are now, what I find is a way to know you better even though you're gone...because it's an area that is largely untapped by me.  There is more to learn.

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