Friday, January 28, 2011

Doppelganger

Today I had a really bad day - unrelated to the grief mostly- which I actually take as a sign of progress.  It's the first time I've thought, "Today is a bad day," since you died...because every day and each moment has been concentrated wretchedness.  So...things must be changing.

Since my parents were watching Audrey, I got to run a few errands by myself and try out the "screaming in the car" thing one of my readers/fellow grievers suggested.  It was frightening, but good.  I screamed at you asking you if you even knew what this was like, what I'm going through at all.  It didn't take much for me to feel satiated.  Then I was done, wiped away my tears in the rearview mirror, and drove to the library to pick up a video I'd put on reserve for Audrey and a few more books for myself.  Appearing normal on the outside like this now while undergoing such intense emotional on the inside, I often wonder now what every other person might be going through under a composed surface of hellos and how are you's."

I'm glad I keep reading in grief books that you will feel like you're going crazy, because I think this about myself numerous times a day.

Last night (this morning) I dreamt of you.  It was the estrangement dream again...in it, you and I had gone our separate ways and you were with someone else and I was too...but I was longing only for you.  We were in the same setting and I was completely preoccupied with where you were or what you were doing...and I felt so sad, and I just knew that if you and I could hug for a moment- everything would be OK and we'd come back together again- you'd come back to me.

It's odd, even the you in my dreams isn't really you anymore...he's more like a doppelganger- he looks like you- but he...just isn't.  He's an impostor.

Still, despite the feeling of longing and estrangement in the dream, I woke up feeling like I'd just had a wonderful dream...just because you were in it and I remembered it.  I wonder how many dreams I have like this every night- but I just don't remember any of them.  I wonder how many.

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