It's been busy. Audrey's Valentine Party was a lot of fun for her, and then this morning we hosted a play group for a heart-shaped french toast brunch. All together we've had about 20 little ones in our one bedroom apartment in the past twenty four hours.
Valentine's Day.
You never cared for it- said it was commercial and you didn't need a holiday to say you loved me. Hated how the flower prices were jacked up.
But you bought me flowers anyway...and took me out to eat somewhere nice.
Of course, in the early, dating years- you went all out. We went to some of the most romantic restaurants in NYC. I would tell you, "Please don't spend this much on a dinner again!" We would sit staring into each other's eyes and exchange our gifts. In the beginning they were usually handmade. We couldn't stop making each other things remember? Love leads to creation.
I didn't really see this holiday coming. Or maybe I did- on an unconscious level- and so I planned a couple parties with way too many decorations and way too much food. (I have a whole chocolate cake in the fridge, cupcakes, m&m's and a giant heart-shaped chocolate chip cookie we baked).
I'm glad you didn't like this holiday. It helps a little now...but just a little.
I don't remember what we did last year, and that makes me sad. I wish we hadn't stopped celebrating. I think it was just an adjustment period of having a new baby and the move...and then you being away all the time...and I know we would've gotten through it and started celebrating again...but still, I wish...
we had.
So, I moved through the day, but there were moments. When I gave Audrey a small present and told her that usually you gave her a present on Valentine's Day but that I was taking over for you.
I hate when people call their husband "my hubby" now. (Or maybe I always did?)
Couples seem very smug to me.
We say "my" husband/wife, as if we own them. We do not.
You used to play that song "I'll Follow You Into the Dark" by Death Cab for Cutie and put it on a mix for me. I can remember listening to it in our living room here and feeling sad long before you died.
"Love of mine, some day you will die,
but I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark.
No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
just our hands clasped so tight
waiting for the hint of a spark...
if there's no one beside you when your soul embarks...I'll follow you into the dark."
No. This is not how it is.
In this...we go alone.
And I can feel that now- as I've turned a sharp corner...I am here now on this journey- you are not. It's like for seven months now someone's been tearing two pieces of paper that were glued together for years...tearing, ripping.
And now it's complete. And now I'm looking at my piece of paper...shredded, with a few holes, thin spots where I can see through it, and remnants...just remnants of the other piece.
Happy Valentine's Day Daniel Cho. I miss you very much.
