Tonight is horrible. The permanence sinks in deeper.
There has not yet been room to think about the future or the reality that faces me- but yesterday after meeting with a financial advisor, I felt it. He estimated Audrey's college expenses at $400,000 for four years if she goes to a state school. There were other figures too. It's not that we ever made a ton of money in our chosen professions, but just that it's just me now. Just me.
The amount of pain I feel on behalf of Audrey is also unbearable. She talked about you traveling around the world to buy her presents today. I felt you morphing into a mythical person she wouldn't remember. Please God, please let her remember how she loved him and how he loved her. At least I have that much.
Today she pulled a bunch of your clothes out of the drawer and put them in the laundry basket and climbed in. I folded them back up, crying, and rested my head on top of the pile in the drawer for a moment. I hadn't seen these clothes in a long time now. Still, it is unbelievable.
The intensity of the pain of grief makes it very hard to believe that we are just physical beings experiencing a process that can be explained in clinical terms and stages.
It is ineffable, mind-boggling pain. It is
sacred.