Sunday, February 20, 2011

Un-see

I think I am giving up.

Giving up at least, on trying to "get" this.

I remember my therapist telling me in one of our first meetings that some of what I experience in the intense time of grief...I will get to keep.  She told me that she, for example, had felt an intimacy and closeness with God beginning in her own grief at the loss of her child, and that this intimacy- has never left her.

For me, it's this larger view of reality.  It's mystical, unsettling, and quite overwhelming to peek through the veil each day and see beyond the visible- even just a tiny bit.  Sometimes I think I hold on to it as a way of holding on to you, but then at other times I'd be happy to let it go- happy to be immersed again in mundane details of life and see just that smaller reality of daily living.  This is what happens after most tragedies.  9/11 broke through the veil for a time- but eventually everyone got lost again in the visible, invincible.  And I know that for most of our friends- they're back to that reality too by now.  But that does not happen for me.  At least so far.  I can't seem to un-see what your death has shown me.  Each day is just about being on a spinning ball of matter in infinite black space...not about what I'll have for breakfast or what the weather will be.  It's a hard reality to bear- and I wonder how long it will last.  I'm afraid lately, it will be one of those things -
that I will
get to
keep.

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