Sorting through our CD collection tonight- had ordered boxes and sleeves so I could get rid of the plastic cases.

Going through the soundtrack of our life together is difficult.

There are many signed CD's- one from one of our favorite vocalists- especially during our dating days- Jonatha Brooke- "dan and julia- love and candy- jonatha" she wrote.  One signed by Patti Griffin wishing me a happy birthday- you stood on line for a long time to get that one- you had told me.  I listened to it over and over again in the car driving back and forth to my grad school program.  "As I row, row, row, going so slow, slow, slow..."

In some from artists you played with I find a napkin telling you where to listen to the parts they wanted you to play online- in another a thank you card for playing so well on that album.

I decided to get rid of quite a few of my own CD's and kept just about all of yours.  I realize now- you were right.  You had much better musical taste than me.  And it was you who brought the artists I listened to into my life the past ten years usually saying, "I think you might like this..."

I don't listen to music very much anymore- usually just kids stuff for Audrey or classical music I put on while she paints at her easel because it feels like a good thing to do.  I can't dare listen to the mixes you had made for yourself that on your iphone...the one I use now.

It's too hard to play those songs.

And I wonder as I sift through all of this song- if I will have any more music in my life or if this archive will always be where it stopped and what I return to as my collection.

all is silent now.  i'm still acting each day- "oh yeah, I'm the widow..."  but there's never that point where the music shifts, picks up, and my life starts fresh.  because there simply is no soundtrack to this.