Saturday, September 10, 2011

The Things I Tell Myself

Sometimes I tell myself things- I try to comfort myself.

Everyone dies.  Dan would have died anyway.  Most of my friends will experience the loss of their spouse- just not for a long time.

Dan lived his dream the last year of his life.  He traveled the whole world playing his music and met all of his favorite musicians.  He accomplished what he set out to do in a short period of time.  Maybe that's why he always had that sense of urgency about it.

Upon seeing an aged person: Dan didn't have to age and grow old.  He would've hated that.  I'm glad he didn't have to experience the degradation of aging.

Drowning is one of the better ways to die.  His death was so dramatic, it's almost as if God just took him and left us his body.  (This is what I suggested to his parents and family when they came to my house a few days after he died- they concurred)

I am lucky to have been loved.  There are many women who are still single and in their forties- and no one has ever loved them the way I was loved.  I should be grateful for the passionate and beautiful romance we had.

Sometimes when we go to events - like Audrey's first ballet class this morning- and a birthday party at the Little Gym this afternoon- I can pretend you're with us because I can hear what you might have said and imagine you there quite well.  Driving home I tell myself that if I just imagine that, it's almost as good as you being there.

Life is not that long, I tell myself, and at this age, it flies by so quickly- before I know it, I'll be dead too.  We are all mortal, after all.

None of these thoughts comfort me.  Though I try.  Because:

Yes, most people will experience the loss of a spouse, but not before they watch their children grow up together, and welcome their grandchildren into the world.  I am really sad this won't be the case for us and don't understand why.

True, Dan lived his dream- but really he was just on the cusp of a burgeoning career.  The connections he was making was setting him up for a brilliant career in music.  He would've played sessions for his favorite artists; he would've written more music- music that was still inside him and is now lost to our ears.

No, he didn't have to age...but growing old together is certainly better than growing old alone.  This is what marriage is about.

Is there any "good" way to die?  Any "pleasant" means to your end?

Sure I'm thankful for the love I was given.  And that is why it hurts like hell to have lost it.

No, it is not the same as having you there to imagine what you "might have" said or done.  And when I do hear you, you're still talking to Audrey in a baby voice.  Will that be the case when she's thirteen?  No, this isn't helpful.

Yes, the seasons and years do seem to go quickly.  But in my heart I fear I have a very, long journey ahead.

1 comment:

  1. loved this.....yes, i too feel the journey ahead is so very, very long, and I, hoping but not holding my breath, was wanting to endure it with as much dignity as my sweet boy showed me with amazing example of strength, how to live and die with dignity.

    Before I lost my children, the "end of time" or "the second coming of Christ" always scared me....I wasnt ready, i'm not good enough, etc, however, AD (after their death), the end or the 2nd coming cant get here quick enough.

    I worry myself that I am waiting away time and wasting time and the childhood of my other children will be gone and i will have missed it and be filled with more regret.

    oh, the tangled web i live.

    love your writtings, love your thought and courage, especially, i'm grateful to know that I'm not the only one that has sat in my car screaming and wailing while snot ran down my face...oy

    Sonya

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